The Courage to Love
In thinking about practicing in relationship, I wanted to share some reflections coming out of my own experience about the courage to love, starting with close relationships.
I've been in a relationship with my partner, Edwin, for over 40 years. Recently, in a very tender moment, I felt this expansive heart, a deep sense of love and appreciation, and yet I saw nothing to hang on to. Who knows what comes in the next moment even? We know that all the beings we are connected to are transitory, and yet we love them anyways. And this takes courage, rooted in wisdom and the way things are.
Historically in the Buddhist tradition, monastics took vows to live a life of renunciation, which included letting go of intimate relationships, fully dedicating their time and energy to practice and study. Yet many of us are on the path as householder yogis or meditators, very much in relationships. The close, loving relationships are so potent, yet can be so entangled. We can end up in a false sense of security that one day we’ll have some kind of better, more comfortable samsaric or cyclic life in relationship. But learning to see through this can help us to understand our own full potential.
I want to share some ways that I’ve found close relationships support me in waking up. And later I’ll return to wisdom.
Deepened motivation.
When you really love somebody, a partner or family member or friend, you want to do your best, because that's what supports them. And when you're living wisely, it helps them. On the other hand, when we're confused, we tend to do harm to our loved ones. So people close to us can inspire us to be more authentic, honest, open, caring, kind, and to really touch into these qualities that are within us.
A powerful mirror.
Then there's learning how to stay in relationship when people close to us push our buttons. They know when we're caught; they know when we're inauthentic. What gets reflected back to us might not be what we want to see, but there's a great intensity to this mirror.
Unconditional vs conditional love.
In relationships I can see the difference between when I'm in touch with a love that is unconditional, that just deeply cares for this person, and wants them to flourish, versus in a conditional love that self-references back to me. This might be guarding and holding back in case this person won't want to be with me for the rest of their life, or being manipulative. Or it might require them to be a certain way before I show my affection, or bargain that if I love them and am good to them, they’ll fulfill my needs. But the real love says, “please do what's right for you so you can really flourish.”
Supporting each other, being responsible for ourselves.
Bringing relationship to the path of awakening can become a shared journey of supporting each other, without becoming the object of each other's happiness or fulfillment. It’s more like being together has the by-product of happiness, rather than other being responsible for our happiness. And this brings so much freedom. It’s a powerful shift to be responsible for our own well-being, rather than blaming the other or holding them responsible for what we feel.
Aspiring to wake up within relationships can also lead to mutual support on the path. Relying on each other in a healthy way can happen between friends and family, in nudging each other. We might get tantalized by something in our life, and our loved one says, “Hmm, you might want to take another look there.” This brings us back to ourselves and finding nourishment within.
Being inspired.
Sometimes people close to us inspire us as they blossom. Maybe they find great clarity and understanding about their own confusion, and we think, “Wow, if they can do that, I can do that too.” And we all have different strengths. For example, Edwin can be deeply inspiring with a lot of clarity which can get us from point A to point B really well. And then at times, his exactness might benefit from a sense of spaciousness that I might invite. So we can find more balance, waking up together, which takes us right into the truth of interdependence.
Deepening patience.
We can learn patience, especially in challenging moments. A few times in my relationship with Edwin I have felt, “Oh, this is awful. And this might be the end!” But I don't want to turn my back on the gem that has been so precious, so I hang around to hear more, to stay present with that unbearable discomfort. Out of that, we might hold what feels unresolvable with more expansiveness. The relationship grows and we've moved through a challenge together.
Learning to take care of ourselves.
But this doesn't mean that we endure relationships of abuse. Many years ago, I came home one day, and my partner at that time was in bed with another woman. I felt so much rage. I put my hand in a fist, and I went to hit him straight in the heart. Just before that, my fist stopped in front of his chest. And then I realized I was suddenly looking down a dead-end road, and the space just opened up in my heart. I might have stuck around, but in this space, I started to get in touch with a wiser, kinder way to deal with this and to take care of myself.
Returning to wisdom
I’d like to come back to the wisdom aspect in our relationships. We can watch how every time we try to hold on, we squeeze the life out! Yet when we have the courage to love, knowing that there is nothing to hang on to, there is a display of our inherent nature, the aspects of wisdom, love, compassion naturally within us.
With wisdom, we can see clearly that we can't grasp onto anything, that we can't cling. All relationships by their very nature come together when conditions are right, remain as long as the conditions are supportive, and then, like all conditioned things, they change or fall away.
So, we can watch the fluctuations, and where we grip, and the ramifications of gripping, maybe to an outdated image of our partner. We can embrace the truth of impermanence, which opens us up to the infinite potential, and enables movement and fluidity.
Relationships are so potent, and call for the courage to love fully without fear, knowing there is nothing to hang on to. And all the practices that can help us learn this.
Up next …
In the coming months as I explore more about relationships, I’ll share about self-love and compassion, and about interdependence of all of our relationships with life.